City Brew Cafe

I wrote this in an email to Rock and it ended up being anything and everything I would blog for the day.

There are two men sitting in front of me who watch. One blatently turns around, the other shoots glances. They watch girls walk by them starting from the bottom up.Today has been strange. I feel really ready to go back to school. Ready to be there that is. And I trust my heart will be where God needs it to be. But Im definitely ready to never come back to Billings, its kind of like Great Falls. And Im having lunch with Christa before everything starts on wednesday so Im kind of anxious to get there; because I remember that. I remember talking with Christa and Terry and Brooke and Micah and John and Adam and all the things they all have to offer and how much they love every class that comes through by Gods grace. My heart longs not only to be in that, but to be that love by Gods grace.I woke up in the middle of the night to what I would have considered at the time as a nightmare. I remember very little except that all people were living on earth in fear of a creature that lived deep beneath us, a black figure with no face - just black empty space. It seems to me now like it may have been more of an idea than anything else. In the dream I had to meet this idea face to face. And I remember praying hard in my dream. Praying against fear - because I felt it so heavily. Honestly I dont know if Ive ever felt so much fear . And when I woke up I felt it. Deep fear. And then it wore off, like the ringing in your ears would wear off after a gunshot. Rather quickly. And I dont remember much, but I remember praying and thanking God that I didnt have to live in that kind of fear. Honestly, the fear I felt in the dream was the most hopeless I have ever felt, I dont say that lightly. I would identify it with eternal seperation from God, a life without him ever, what we call hell I suppose. When I woke up this morning, I barely remembered it because so much of it was feeling that fear - and I knew this morning with a clear mind the truth God provides in Scripture. That He never leaves us or forsakes us. But throughout the day I have been thinking about it and it produces a certain quietness in my character.I saw a bunch of homeless people today and I was talking to Jesse about some of them. The ones who stand on the corners with signs that say "Korea Vet in a wreck. We all need help" or "Hungry" or whatever on a piece of old cardboard. Theres a bunch of them that have been there for years - standing on the corner, looking at all the passerby's. All day, standing and looking. Watching everyone. Looking at me in the eye and the blue van I ride in passes right by. Something in me wants to jump and be like "No, Im not like that-I would help if I could - I know what youre like, I know what its like" Then I realized that I dont and never will unless Im on the street with a harcore addiction, mental disability or absolutely NO desire to pick myself back up.. The fact that we spent a week in a shelter would mean very little to any one of those men. And even though I knew that before, it really nagged at me today. To them, Im no different than any other bubble gum rock girl that walks by. It makes me want to spend the afternoon just talking. Children. Ive been thinking a bunch about children. Probably just from being around Aiden the past few days. Its been really hard for me to write you letters. I sent a letter today. And then I sat down to write again and realized how quiet it makes me. Not sad, but quiet. Because its hard for me to start writing again, when not that long ago I could just wake up and talk to you. Its really strange actually, because I want to write you so badly - but sometimes nothing comes. Things with Beth are good. We are very different. Im getting my time right now at the cafe, she was here earlier but I decided to stay instead of go to the house. I actually dont like being in the house at all. Its very small and they have a TON of stuff, so its cluttered. And Im not a fan of clutter. It actually makes me feel like I dont belong, like nothing else has a place in the house so I dont either. It sounds ridiculous I know, but I dont want a house like that. Bethany and I were talking about that the other day. I want a home that is a home really easily to people. That is a place for people to stay if they need. That it can be the kind of house that is inviting and warm and in and of itself a testiment to the love of Christ. Not cluttered or cramped, but not distant and professional. Just home.Im rambling quite a bit yeah? It feels good though. All these things have been weighing on my mind for the day, and I love being able to write it out. I love writing. Especially when what I want to communicate actually comes out well. Mhmm.You want some coffee? Ive got some extra.I miss your smile. I think about you on a regular basis throughout the day anyways, but today was different. It was more like it used to be over the summer. I dont think thats a bad thing. I expected that in a lot of ways. Now - instead of feeling like you just slipped through my fingers and I lost you in some way; instead of feeling like you are still somehow really close and "on the tip of my brain" - its more like this. I know we are far, and that this is going to be an up down run for a little while. Its me sitting in a coffee shop 338 miles from Blumenhof, looking at a computer screen writing words and words and words while listening to "Rocket Girl" and drinking quite a bit of Decaf Hazlenut coffee. And even though its different than seeing you every day, I have the joy of looking forward to seeing you and waiting for you again. I dont have much more to leave you with but a smirk.