From Morning to Evening.
I find my hearts cry matches the psalmists in that beginning stanza of Psalm 119.
Paraphrased) Blessed are you who are blamless, who walk in Gods law, who keep His statutes and seek Him wholeheartedly. They make no wrongs, they walk in the LORD's ways. You, LORD, have laid precepts that are to be fully obeyed. Oh that my ways were steadfast in obeying you decrees!
How often my heart stumbles and in its frailty attempts to move at all in independence from You. Why is my flesh so thick? Why does this struggle intensify?
(Again, paraphrased) Psalm 42 My soul thirsts for You God, it says "When can I meet with God?" My tears have been my food while evil seems to poke and prod saying "Joyelle, Where is your God? Where is His strength? Where is His guidance?" I remember the days when my joy in the LORD was overwhelming, Why are you downcast O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put you hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast, and therefore I remember YOU LORD. I look to You in times of struggle and defeat. Psalm 43 Send Your light and Your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to Your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell.
I feel so much that my heart leaps with these verses as they walk through the struggle a disturbed soul. All morning I found myself just wrestling to seek the LORD, longing to be in communion with Him and finding some unknown difficulty in coming before Him. All of a sudden, doubting my ability to come before Him, feelings of doubt and guilt. Are there things in my heart that are wrong and need correction? Or do I find myself battling lies from evil forces? Where is His voice?
I began reading the book "Knowing God" by J.I. Packer this morning, and I quote:
"We are in the position of travellers who, after surveying a great mountain from afar, travelling round it, and observing how it dominates the landscape and determines the features of the surrounding countryside, now approach it directly, with the intention of climbing it."
From the morning, till now, and I imagine and pray into the evening and always, I have found myself in a very fragile and humbled state. I want to always be coming to this mountain, to the place where the LORD dwells, and be climbing it; to seek Him wholeheartedly in order to KNOW Him for the joy of Knowing Him. How is it that I get lost so easily in busied religion?
As Packer continues, he speaks of having pure motives and coming to the LORD to Know Him and not know of Him; and as he spoke of the psalmists desire for truth I found my heart screaming with a resounding YES as the longing within my own heart to understand Him as much as I ever could and to be guided by His light and truth was provoked.
And this is such a small part of this journey, yet my heart and soul is overflowing at the brim with a deep spiritual relief. I truly am such a small vessel recieving of Gods grace for I am overwhelmed by any amount of it.
"How are we to do this? How can we turn our knowledge about God into knowledge of God? The rule for doing this is demanding, but simple. It is that we turn each truth that we learn about God into matter for meditation before God, leading to prayer and praise to God.....Its (meditation) purpose is to clear ones mental and spiritual vision of God, and to let His truth make its full and proper impact on ones mind and heart. It is a matter of talking to oneself about God and oneself; it is, indeed often a matter of arguing with oneself, reasoning oneself out of moods of doubt and unbelief into a clear apprehension of Gods power and grace." (Packer)
The ramblings of my heart throughout the day, Im processing through rambling, so hold tight; as frustrated as I have been, I am also convicted and challenged, which are my least favorite at the time, and yet what I truly desire, because I want to grow. Part of the frustrating thing throughout this however, is just the lack of community in my life. I was so encouraged by a God given conversation this afternoon, just to hear that they are in, and have been in a similar place and with full confidence assure me that it is not natural. Its hard to know in Rocks and my new life together where it is that the LORD wants us, when do we follow the instructions the Lord gave to His disciples and "shake the dust off our feet" and take our hearts somewhere else, or when do we persevere and "stand firm - After you have done everything to stand".
Lord, tend to our hearts where people do not, meet with us here. Guide with Your truth and light.
Paraphrased) Blessed are you who are blamless, who walk in Gods law, who keep His statutes and seek Him wholeheartedly. They make no wrongs, they walk in the LORD's ways. You, LORD, have laid precepts that are to be fully obeyed. Oh that my ways were steadfast in obeying you decrees!
How often my heart stumbles and in its frailty attempts to move at all in independence from You. Why is my flesh so thick? Why does this struggle intensify?
(Again, paraphrased) Psalm 42 My soul thirsts for You God, it says "When can I meet with God?" My tears have been my food while evil seems to poke and prod saying "Joyelle, Where is your God? Where is His strength? Where is His guidance?" I remember the days when my joy in the LORD was overwhelming, Why are you downcast O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put you hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast, and therefore I remember YOU LORD. I look to You in times of struggle and defeat. Psalm 43 Send Your light and Your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to Your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell.
I feel so much that my heart leaps with these verses as they walk through the struggle a disturbed soul. All morning I found myself just wrestling to seek the LORD, longing to be in communion with Him and finding some unknown difficulty in coming before Him. All of a sudden, doubting my ability to come before Him, feelings of doubt and guilt. Are there things in my heart that are wrong and need correction? Or do I find myself battling lies from evil forces? Where is His voice?
I began reading the book "Knowing God" by J.I. Packer this morning, and I quote:
"We are in the position of travellers who, after surveying a great mountain from afar, travelling round it, and observing how it dominates the landscape and determines the features of the surrounding countryside, now approach it directly, with the intention of climbing it."
From the morning, till now, and I imagine and pray into the evening and always, I have found myself in a very fragile and humbled state. I want to always be coming to this mountain, to the place where the LORD dwells, and be climbing it; to seek Him wholeheartedly in order to KNOW Him for the joy of Knowing Him. How is it that I get lost so easily in busied religion?
As Packer continues, he speaks of having pure motives and coming to the LORD to Know Him and not know of Him; and as he spoke of the psalmists desire for truth I found my heart screaming with a resounding YES as the longing within my own heart to understand Him as much as I ever could and to be guided by His light and truth was provoked.
And this is such a small part of this journey, yet my heart and soul is overflowing at the brim with a deep spiritual relief. I truly am such a small vessel recieving of Gods grace for I am overwhelmed by any amount of it.
"How are we to do this? How can we turn our knowledge about God into knowledge of God? The rule for doing this is demanding, but simple. It is that we turn each truth that we learn about God into matter for meditation before God, leading to prayer and praise to God.....Its (meditation) purpose is to clear ones mental and spiritual vision of God, and to let His truth make its full and proper impact on ones mind and heart. It is a matter of talking to oneself about God and oneself; it is, indeed often a matter of arguing with oneself, reasoning oneself out of moods of doubt and unbelief into a clear apprehension of Gods power and grace." (Packer)
The ramblings of my heart throughout the day, Im processing through rambling, so hold tight; as frustrated as I have been, I am also convicted and challenged, which are my least favorite at the time, and yet what I truly desire, because I want to grow. Part of the frustrating thing throughout this however, is just the lack of community in my life. I was so encouraged by a God given conversation this afternoon, just to hear that they are in, and have been in a similar place and with full confidence assure me that it is not natural. Its hard to know in Rocks and my new life together where it is that the LORD wants us, when do we follow the instructions the Lord gave to His disciples and "shake the dust off our feet" and take our hearts somewhere else, or when do we persevere and "stand firm - After you have done everything to stand".
Lord, tend to our hearts where people do not, meet with us here. Guide with Your truth and light.
Friend, might I have your email? Bless you.
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