Today

Got to talk with Bethany today, that was good for my heart. Its been a while since we could talk - and there have been so many things that I feel the Lord has been directing me through or having me process in regards to things that have happened or places Ive been with the people here at home. My first year of college, working at the gym, specific people. And its been crazy to come to the realization that even though I would say and fully believe immediately if someone asked that I never want to be that or go back to that or take part in what that period of my life represented, there is still some tinge of something that remains settled safe in my system. Coming to realize what it means to truly "count something loss" not just in my head, but in me. Because how me IS truly, will work its way out in my relationship with the Lord - and if there are things like this, even the smallest that I have only counted loss in my mind, but not in my heart - my relationship with the Lord suffers. And I can see it sometimes, somedays its so clear that Ive been living in this guilt about things that I either took part of or watched or did that are not what God desires for us and because of that guilt have had a hard time coming before the Lord. Wondering, truly deep down, if He has really forgiven me. I will say that I believe God is forgiving, and I (k)now He is - but I havent been living like thats true. Its been good to revisit a lot of this stuff. Flipped through old journals this morning and just looking at the attitude I had and held so tightly too. So tightly, that I can recognize this drive, nature driven force, temptation in me to either 1) RUN so far and deal with none of it ever. or 2) go back to that rather than having to deal with it, wrestle with it, and be able to come to a healthy place where the Lord can USE those experiences and I can talk about them freely because i have freedom from them. Phew, Im venting some - its just all beginning to click and flow and make sense and I really WANT to be free of all of it. Not just forget it when I leave, but to be able to count it ALL as loss for the sake of knowing Christ. I cant even pin point what it is that my flesh wants to hold on to, but I know its there because I dont want to get rid of my journals when it really comes down to it. I have made the decision to do that, so now Im wondering...Should I read through them first? Should I read through them with Rocky? Would that even be edifying - because so much of what Ive written has been how I processed through situations and is governed by emotion only. Oh I dont know, Lord I come before you as I am, not knowing - and I ask for wisdom and discernment not just with this decision but with everything surrounding it.